WHERE MY DADDY??

31 Years of not having a father & one would think by now that eye would be used to this. Over it. For the first time in 31 years, eye actually grieved over my loss. Usually, the day of recognition/remembrance comes & goes without even a long pause to face the absence. But this particular space was seemingly marked by gloom & loneliness. Even though my husband is the best father that eye have ever known...Even though my "Papa" has been consistent, always working hard to overcompensate for my void...even though my late Granny would always remind me to be happy with the love & attention that she had always shown as opposed to dwelling on the "negative"...even still, this year was different. Different is good. Right??? Right is relative. This feels like progress has been made within. To come out of denial is ALWAYS a good thing. But as my first therapist told me years ago, it's only past denial when things get REALLY funky.

Do eye wish that eye had a father? Yes. & eye say "had a father" because the truth of the matter is that eye do not. Eye used to say, "It's not that eye don't have a father, it's just that eye don't know him." Bullshit. EYE DO NOT HAVE A DAD FOLKS. NEVER HAD. & for the first time eye can admit that. For so long eye have carried this burden..as if eye were an evil child who did not deserve a equal start. Like maybe my baby spit up scared him off or something. Or like maybe he thought eye was a lazy person because eye slept all of the time in those early days. Over the years, eye have convinced self that this was a luxury to which eye was undeserving. Bull shit (eye say that as a Taurian accuracy & not profanity).

HI DAD
HI DADDY
HI POPPA
HI POP
IF YOU ARE READING THIS, DO NOT DISMISS AS FLIP-FLOP ANTICS. MUCH OF MY LIFE HAS BEEN A TRAVESTY DUE TO YOUR COWARDICE. EYE DO NOT KNOW EXACTLY WHY YOU ARE NOT HERE, BUT IF YOU ARE BREATHING THEN THE OPPORTUNITY IS YOURS. DO NOT WAIT UNTIL EYE BLOW UP. MY POPULARITY IS INCREASING EVERDAY. BUT, YOUR LOVE IS THE LACKING THAT WEIGHS ON MY SEEDS - A BASIC NEED. PLEASE HEED MY INVITE & EXCITE MY LIFE WITH YOUR PRESENCE. YOU HAVE 4 GRANBABIES THAT WANT TO KNOW YOU BEFORE THE ESSENCE. THAT IS, IF YOU ARE STILL ON EARTH. THANK YOU FOR MY BIRTH. THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME STRONG. TAKE THIS CHANCE TO RIGHT YOUR WRONG. WHEREVER YOU ARE...WHOEVER.

SINCERELY,
ORIANA LEE (JACKSON) FARRELL

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